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30RF30Y: Growing Into Love, Friendship & Everything In Between

Writer's picture: Liam XavierLiam Xavier

Updated: Jan 23

Possibly the greatest scene in all of television lol
Possibly the greatest scene in all of television lol

To know me is to know my obsession with love. Few things in my 30 years have occupied my brain more than the concept, impact and pursuit of love. Whether watching When Harry Met Sally, crying at the ending to Normal People, floatily listening to a self-curated loveydovey Spotify mix or through experiencing life through every interpersonal connection I have, love sustains me.


I mean that in every sense of the definition, too. Love is too often assigned a romantic assumption; you hear the word and instantly think lovers and I think we've all contributed to that at one point. My last book of poetry and essays 'How Love Begins' was exclusively about the variation in romantic love, but How Romantic Love Begins is a little less catchy.


Having said that, love as a concept across romantic and platonic is a similar feeling for me. I've always believed that, if it were socially acceptable and if the majority of us weren't built with the human need for sex, I would happily spend the vast amount of my life with my friends. Nights in, nights out. Exploring new countries, trying new things. I do these things already with my friends and different friendships enable different parts of my heart and mind to be completely alive. That, to me, is what romantic love should be as well, so the line between friendship and more is often a thin, not-all-that-straightforward line that has often been blurred in my life.


For reference as well, I do identify somewhere along the Ace scale between Allosexual (what most people know as the most common amongst humans; the ability to be attracted to people from the moment you meet them) and Demisexual (needing to form a strong bond) Some days it feels like I'm more Allo and other days, more Demi. Largely, I'm still working out what this means and whether it matters all that much to my own perception of myself (more on that in the identity blog). As a result, that thin line is perhaps thinner than for most. The vast majority of my 'crushes' or people that I've developed feelings for or, god forbid, fallen in love with have been friends or people I already knew for a certain amount of time. It's a complex mess at times but it does, crucially for this blog, create - i think - a unique, beautiful perception of what love can be. Equally, I say this as someone who has largely met love in the form of unrequited loves, talking stages and deeply close friendships. So, by all means, read this next part as my experience and not as advice.


With all that said - a longwinded but useful caution - my own understanding of love these days is actually quite simple. My understanding of what I need for friendships and for more rests on three main elements: respect, mutual freedom and palpable appreciation. That feels like a good way to structure this next bit and I'm going to speak broadly with a little conclusion to my key separation between platonic and romantic:


Respect


It seems a no-brainer but I think a large portion of us can look back on our lives and realise how many times we've allowed disrespect or, also likely, disrespected someone. Whether it is boundaries, trust or something else, respect lays a foundation to which all else branches off of. Communicating what respect looks like can be an awkward and uncomfortable concept but it doesn't have to be. When we meet someone, we're learning about them and, many times, that's part of the most exciting element to meeting someone. Approaching 30, I find a way to establish what respect for me means early on during this part because its much less awkward to establish anew, than to have to wipe a slate clean and re-establish. Equally, you're just talking about life. It doesn't have to be "don't lie to me. don't call me a dick." or anything so blunt. A lot of us don't know what disrespect looks like until it happens to us. Instead, it's almost about saying what it is that shows love: i love it when my friends vocalise their love for me; i love it when my friends allow me to be who i am without judgement etc etc. That is establishing something positive and, behind it all, equally establishing what respect is. That's certainly how it feels for me at this stage in life. Simpler and rewarding.


Mutual Freedom


Some of the greatest people in my life create an unquestionable level of freedom to exist in. This isn't about the freedom to do whatever you want and create havoc wherever you go, it's simply the ability to enable each others' own happiness. It's the fact that I could dance with no choreographed movement or style in front of my best friends and I would feel free to do so and, more than free, loved in that moment. It has to be equal, too. If I feel free, they should feel free. It's the freedom to discuss the obsessions we have at that time, the freedom to be open and honest, the freedom to exist as the most authentic version of ourselves and the freedom to discover what that authentic self is. All with the warm hug, the gentle hand and the soft tone of a loving heart helping us along the way. That's another thing that I think life teaches you the signs of - you don't completely realise how beautiful it is until you've found it and compared it to everything before.


Palpable Appreciation


This ones simple and short: to be loved is to not question if you are loved. Beyond anxieties and overthinking, love manifests itself most beautifully when you can look at someone in your life and know and feel that they have love for you.


All of these things are true for friends and for romantic partners. This is why When Harry Met Sally is my favourite film and why Normal People is my favourite show. Both of them show a version of love that could be identified as a best friend or as a romantic partner. It shows the way that, at the very core of what love should mean, we are humans that craves the ability to be seen, heard and intimately known. Attraction and that magnetic pull are the separators but, at its foundation, you're not just looking for the hot person that you can love partly. You're looking for the person you can be attracted to and who can be your closest ally, working through the difficult potholes of life. At least, I am. When I was younger, I told myself it was a little too cinematic and a little too reality-adjacent but every year that I've gotten closer to a feeling across friendships and across people I have loved wholly, I am realising that cinema only exists because of the reality that was once lived. Yes, it's fabricated by its nature but the desire to, in effect, 'marry your best friend' is the basis to something beautiful. Again, that doesn't have to mean your literal best friend, it just means that the things your best friends enable you to feel and the life you explore and live beside them should feel the same way with them - perhaps even more elevated.


That is my concept of love as I enter my 30s.... save my soul, i guess.

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