A Bank Holiday at The Barbican: Reviving My Creative Ambition
Saturday, despite being followed by 2 days, instead of one, due to the Bank Holiday, felt as odd, heavy and clouded as much of the last month has. Not to start this post off with a negative, but April - my birthday month - is always quite an existentialist and reflective one and this one in particular has seemingly bundled the cumulative thoughts of the past five years into one not-so-neat selection of concerns and insecurities. Today, bouyed by none other than an Instagram reel, I started to turn the tide, at the wonderful Barbican cinema cafe.
Sunday evening, I sent that reel (by ClickforTaz) to a friend, saying “this is how I want to view my life.” In the video, Taz compares a shyer, younger version of herself before her fame and success to a more confident, older and happier version with the caption: “We can stay here or we can be our own role model”.
It hit me, emotionally, for two main reasons:
Initially a subscriber of her poetry, I had been following the same creator for nearly the entire decade covered in the video and, in the same space of time, I had gained my own confidence and success, and lost it/become stalled.
I was not that far from seeing my life through the same lens and that is perhaps something I have struggled most with - not the starting at the beginning part, but being stuck, levitating between two states, feet never quite touching the ground and a mind, swaying, teasingly, between the ultimate vision and the persistent struggle to grasp it.
Needless to say, I am now hyper focused on resuming the journey and clearing my mind of the unhelpful dust it has collected over the last five years of setbacks, emotional regressions and, quite frankly, taking life a bit too seriously. I say five years, mostly because it coincides with a redundancy, multiple life and career push backs and a general sense of fatigue but it would be remiss of me to not also included the dreaded pandemic which set the true ball in motion for many of us.
What comes first?
A first step is to ditch the fear of humiliation I appear to have adopted once again. Despite writing out my deepest vulnerabilities and traumas in my early twenties to many hundreds and thousands, I suddenly fell into a strange, all consuming void of believing my writing only mattered when it was more sincerely introspective, more astutely philosophical and more substantial - essentially, the pretentious view that ‘good writing’ has only one shape. Under such circumstances, poetry, personal blogs and emotional stories - the thing I adored in others work and based my initial career on - becomes a desolute and nigh on impossible task. As a result, the confidence slipped, the bottled insecurities stacked on top of each other in some failed acrobatics move, and my ability to write began to wither.
After all, the more restrictions and anxieties we place on our creativity, the more we fall into this eternal spiral of calling every creative piece an act of severe mortification, worthy of prison time and a written apology to the creative community for even attempting to enter their ranks.
Being more realistic
Once i accept that a little embarassment goes a long way, I've realised my next self-limiting act of sabotage to overcome is to stop setting such bloody massive, scary goals. While ambition is wonderful and, arguably, the cornerstone of progression, every goal we create cannot be as large as something along the lines of “earn a bafta by the end of 2026 and before the age of 25” when it’s already May and you’re already 31.
In fact, in project management terms, this would be called a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) and there is usually only one of them that sets a long term ambition, rather than an immediate marker of success. Instead, we set S.M.A.R.T (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-Bound) ones that are smaller. I can do this in my full-time work, so it’s time to do it more in my creative and personal life too. I have only lost this caution through a growing impatience and a declining self-esteem, something I'm sure is not a issue specific to me.
The goals
To explain that, in my own terms, in case it helps anyone, I've broken these down into four main areas:
Quote: “Do it for you, not for your social media” - Found this on a website about setting goals actually and it felt like a simple reminder that extends beyond just social media and more towards the idea that everyone is always watching you. Which, certainly in London, almost no-one ever is (not that this is a reason to then spiral over whether anyone cares - they do, they will).
What do I want from my professional life? (The BHAG equivalent): To be a versatile Writer/Producer, creating impactful, multi format work, with a focus on comedy drama, and helping others to achieve their own dreams.
(Some of) My Simple Goals:
Utilise at least one of my 3 commute days - 2 hours in total - to write or outline.
Track my goals using a weekly report in my journal, so they don’t become goals in free fall. Do this in a sustainable, enjoyable way that doesn’t feel suffocating. Treat it like a project with a manager, without the fear of being fired.
Reduce the reliance on my headphones in public spaces - in cafes, in parks, slowly keep them off and notice what is going on, what people are doing and invite any impromptu conversation.
Focus on just 2 main projects - finishing my novel and perfecting one good pilot script.
The Why
At 31 - young, but with more bills and responsibilities - I still believe anyone can start or start again at any age, but I am acutely aware of how easily life can slip from us - from me - when we become comfortable with a particular dark cloud of dissatisfaction disguised as contentment or nonchalance. It becomes just small enough to not call a problem and push away with excuses and defences, but substantial enough to build a self-resenting intensity that manifests as internal critiques and an unnamed, implacable frustration that becomes difficult to reappear from with the same level of ambition and belief.
To sum it up
Early in my writing, I created articles and poetry and videos to express trauma and upset and, somewhere along the line when I got a little happier, it became strange and weirdly embarrassing to look back at. Such that when I was once again in a darker place, they became pieces to interrogate and inform future work to be less intense, less emotional but, if that is the approach we take to writing, then why are we writing at all? Adulthood, I am learning, is trying our very best, against the backdrop of the many intimidating aspects to grown up life, to maintain a sense of excitement, optimism and creative drive to reach the goals we’ve always been able to reach. For me, it has always been about proving to my younger self - just like in Taz’s video - that it was always achievable and that he was a part of the journey too. To do that, I cannot abandon the inspiration that started it all by falling into a restrictive embarrassment. Anything that requires putting ourselves out there is embarrassing!! Life is enormously humiliating and, in order to be our own role model, to do the things we want to do and to pick ourselves up from the darkest of corners, we have to build the foundations that allow us to see what the first step is and, crucially, that it’s possible. One step after the other, one emotion overcome, then the next. Everything is in reach, eventually.
